What do you do when God says no?

What do you do with emotions that hold on, that refuse to let go, that keep hoping against hope for the impossible?

What do you do when the pain keeps resurfacing, and every time you think you've dealt with it, it comes back again?

How do you walk in obedience, fully confident that God will fulfill Hs promise, when His promises feel like dry crumbs because of the hardness of your soul?

What do you do when your brain agrees with your spirit, but your feelings pull in the opposite direction?

What if the warm, rose-colored dreams you loved and cherished turn out to be only a cheaply-tinted window that cracked and shattered, and now your vision is only comprised of cools and grays and questions?

What do you do with unanswered questions? What if there is no reason why, just the cold facts?

Deep down inside, I know that I want to know God more than I want my dreams, more than I want to love. But my brain keeps telling me that I want my dreams, and my feelings keep telling me that they want to love and to be loved, and my poor will is trying so hard to pull the other two along, but in truth, it's not even sure which way to pull. My soul is one twisted, confused mess. I don't want to be, to feel, to live this way. I cannot.

So, how do I work through this? How do I go from emotional pain to confident expectation?

Oh my God, I cry by day, but You do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest. Yet You are holy, dwelling in the praises of Your people. -- Ps. 22:2-3

My emotions do not change God's character. He is holy when He answers. He is equally holy when He is silent.

There are times in my walk with Christ when my response must be one of determined purpose, not emotion-driven exaltation; times when I remember the work of God in the past, and trust that He who was faithful, still is faithful, and ever will be faithful... regardless of how I feel.

In You our fathers trusted; they trusted, and You delivered them. To You they cried and were rescued; in You they trusted and were not put to shame. -- Ps. 22:4-5

Yes, He is always faithful, and always sufficient. Even when it hurts. Even when the tears won't stop. Even when the pain must remain in the corner crevices of my heart. Even when no one else understands.

My flesh and my heart fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. -- Ps. 73:26

But whatever gain I had I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. -- Phil. 3:7-8

I have tasted of God's grace and mercy, and I find it sufficient. I long for more of His goodness and His faithfulness, in whatever ways He desires to display that.

Things are not as they appear. His grace may feel like judgment, and sometimes His mercy feels like pain and broken hearts. But I do trust Him. I have no reason-- EVER-- to doubt Him.
________________________________

Begone, unbelief, the Savior is near,
And for my relief, will surely appear.
By faith let me wrestle with God in the storm,
And help me, my Savior, the faith to adorn.

Though dark be my way, since He is my guide,
'Tis mine to obey and His to provide.
Though cisterns be broken and creatures all fail,
The Word He has spoken will surely prevail.
-- John Newton